I’m doing a lot better. I haven’t posted in a while, but I’m doing a lot better.

being in psychiatric ward was the single most terrible thing to ever to happen to me. i’m not cured, but i’m better. i’m still weak, but i’m getting strong. i never want to drop to that point where i need to baker acted ever again. i’m going to go to sleep now. 

i wrote so much while i was there, i journaled and wrote and listened. i have the weight of 1000 worlds on me from hearing everyone’s problems. people are truly sick out there and i’m so thankful i found out young.

i was baker acted for 90 hours in a psych ward.

i need time to myself. i won’t be on here for a couple of days..or longer, i hit the lowest point ever in my life. 

evertying is bvlurry i cant walk not one of you will care honestly but i thought i didnt want to live i wrote evertone letters sasying goodbye i freaking prated to god to forgive me and that im sorry i wanted him in my llife so id goo to heaven

i’m on the last straw. all i do is cry, everything reminds me of him. i just want to go away to rehab..like emotional rehab to get away from everything, from reminders of him, from my phone, from facebook.

someone take my phone away from me.
I just know one message I send will hit his heart and he’ll realize he’s supposed to be with me. In reality though, why entertain the girl who you know is there for you? What’s the fun in that, guys like the chase, but I just know if I leave him alone he’ll forget about me and all we had. I have guys texting me and this one guy who seems really nice wants to take me out on a date when I move to Gainesville, but I only want my ex. Still haven’t eaten since yesterday at 1:30 pm.

vodkasexweed:

go back to sleep. i slept 16 hours already last night, but sleep is the only time where everything is alright. where things are back to how they used to be. when my dreams are happy memories of what we used to have.

(Source: cherished--wounds)

(500) days of summer
he’s just not that into you
The notebook

and then kill myself. 

saturday: nothing, tried to eat outback ,ordered a steak, a potato and a ceasar salad. ate one bite of steak, a couple bites of salad, then couldn’t keep it down.

sunday: nothing.

monday: half a cup of broccoli cheddar soup from panera and a couple nibbles of bread 

tuesday: attempted to eat a ceasar salad and mashed potatoes from tgi fridays, ate two bites of mashed potatoes and some chicken off my salad.

wednesday: nothing.

i’ve lost 13 pounds since saturday. heartbreak sucks.  

He works for a company that works my dad, and my dad had a “little talk with him”, he basically said he doesn’t appreciate the way he treated me, that he doesn’t appreciate him leading me on, then getting a new girlfriend, but still using me until the last minute, he doesn’t appreciate him messaging me saying, “she’s here..she says hi :)” Brian said that his sister-in-law said that. My dad said, bull shit, I don’t want you talking to my daughter anymore. So, I’m happy my dad stood up for me, I really am. But part of me wishes he didn’t intervene. Anyways, I unblocked him and texted him yesterday. 

7:20pm
me: I miss you, I’m sorry. I just don’t understand at all.

7:28pm
me: I just want to be civil I’m so upset, I can’t eat. I’ve literally lost 12 lbs. I can’t keep anything down. Just don’t forget me Brian. Just remember who was always there for you and who didn’t leave your side once. 

7:50pm:
me: Just read the e-mail I sent you whenever you’re ready to respond, call me or text me. I hate this tension.

4:23am:
me: I just don’t understand how everything changes in a week. How you’ll throw away all this progress over someone you hardly know. Promise me you’ll respond when you’re ready, let me know you will respond though, that we will talk and be civil idk this immature Brian. just let me know you’ll respond to my by saying okay. That’s all you have to say for now.

12:16pm:
him: Listen i was told not to talk to you

1:27pm:
me: My dad’s just looking out for me, he’s hurt too because he liked you a lot. Honestly. But I’m an adult I can make my own choices he told me that. Lets just talk later you’re coming over Saturday right? No talking until then just think about who really cares about you, who’d do anything for you, who helped you and who still wants to do all that stuff for you. If you wanna give all that up for an immature high school girl you barely know okay but I want to talk.

3:25pm:
me: My whole family liked you so much, they were happy you were in my life because they could see how happy I was. How could you do this to me, to us? Over an immature high school girl you hardly know. She wouldn’t be there for you like I was, she won’t care for you like I did. I know, and you know, it wasn’t over.

3:32pm:
him: I’m not talking to you and I’m not gonna lose my job over this so don’t talk bullshit to me about who i hangout with and what i do

3:35pm:
me: I’m not talking bullshit. Everything I say I absolutely mean. You know what you’re doing is immature. No one said you need to lose your job. Just think about what you’re doing, you know it wasn’t over. You can’t give up all that over some girl from Facebook, an immature high school girl who is hardly older than my sister. Just read my e-mail and think about everything. Truly reflect on all the good and how good things were getting. I was there for you until the last minute and I’d still be there for you. I care about you so much. Just read my e-mail I sent you and really think about it.

3:44pm:
him: hey meagan :) it’s angela. please grow up. you send him the same old shit over and over again. it’s over so please leave him alone and don’t talk about me when you don’t know me, kthanxbye ;)

3:47pm:
me: Hey Angela :) if I wanted to talk to you, I would, Brian’s an adult and can speak for himself.  BTW I know enough about you to know you’re an immature high school girl, and that’s all I ever said about you so I’m not “talking about you” I’m stating facts that I know.

3:47pm:
him: What do you know about me?

3:53pm:
me: Well its brian just seriously let things go im paying your money and your getting your stuff. im over it and im not replying to your messages

4:38pm:
me: don’t have her text me, that’s immature. it’s not about the money or the stuff. just think brian if you’re really doing what’s right. i won’t bother you. when you come over saturday don’t bring her. stop showing her my texts and my messages, that causes unnecessary drama and you were always against it.

4:40pm:
him: are you serious noone’s bringing noone and causing drama alright you keep going on about everything. im allowed to hangout with whoever i want

4:44pm:
me: okay you’re causing drama by having her text me. you told me you didn’t want to date anyone, you were going to give us a fair chance. that friday i gave you your gift you wouldn’t let me go inside until we talked, you said you wanted to go on dates still, you wanted to go out to a nice dinner and give me my gift, you made me hug you goodbye and you hugged me like you didn’t want to let go. that friday you said it wasn’t over…just think about you’d feel. remember how mad you were about the Adam thing that was before we decided to work on things

5:13pm:
him: im not talking your getting your money and belongings and i’m leaving

5:25pm:
wow..i atleast want closure we never got to talk about this, what you did was immature. How can you do this? How can you change from that night not letting me go inside to not even giving a shit about me, or atleast pretending you don’t. You were the one who said we could still hang out, you told me not to forget about you. You said we can hang out, I said okay, you said you weren’t gonna stay stuck on being single, give it a couple months and don’t forget about you. I’m not looking for anyone else, I don’t know this Brian its like someone took over your body…honestly take time and think. Really Think.


Guys, I thought we’d have a chance to talk on Saturday. I was getting back an appetite. My stomach dropped, my heart dropped after I got that message that we weren’t going to talk. I don’t know what to do. I cannot cope.